The Inner Workings of my Schizophrenic Mind

Talking Nonsense

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

It's the most painful feeling when you sacrifice something so valuable to you then you realize that what you sacrificed comes to a waste. It just so unfair that because you were selfless, you get hurt in the process. Though you have given the chance to break a vicious cycle, that person will go back to that cycle, to that state of immaturity, breaking promises to himself. It's really hard to help a person change, when he himself doesn't want to change. It's so remorseful and nakakapanghinayang when you know that a person whom you really care for moves his life down the drain; and you can't do anything about it. At the same time, however, you refuse to accept that he is again driving his life to that vicious cycle of dependency, because you believed wholeheartedly when he promised that he'll change for the betterment of himself. But again, maybe all those promises was just him talking nonsense.

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Chit-Chats
We seemed to be all in a state of angst. When before, everything seems so fun, now, an unforseen pressure is pressed upon us. Our after-office gimmicks have transformed from carefree kulitans to a dialogue of burden and angst. All of us have the same feeling, however, different issues. Mine is about my seemingly selling short of myself, constricting my capabilities to a bounded structure. Theirs is about their overburdening with repetitive task which they find no value.

from a dork to a gypsy

Friday, March 24, 2006

I just changed my wallpaper with a beach inspired theme of sand, water, sarong, flipflops, starfish, and snapshots from my latest bora getaway! i'm getting better with photoshop already, that i'm even tutoring Nina!
It seems that I'm turning into a big geek that I got so excited awhile ago when we figured out a new Microsoft Excel function! I never thought how amazing Excel was! Dork is in the house!

Zap it!

Returning to my non-dorky self, I'm keeping note of the things that I want to accomplish, (or at least try in my lifetime).

1. Surfing.
2. Wind Surfing.
3. Hike a mountain.
4. Have a Long Visit in New York City, hopefully with my girlfriends so we can have an ala-Sex-in-the-City stint.
5. Backpacking in Europe. Take note: BackPacking! I dont want an itzy-glitzy-touristy kind of vacation. (But if someone will give me that benefit, I'll gladly take it. :))
6. Tour Asia.
7. Visit Africa.
8. Visit the country! Learn the diversity of our culture and hopefully learn to speak other Filipino dialects.
9. Live in Davao! (even temporarily)
10.Have a modest house by the beach.

I'm so excited! I just need time and money! Hahahah! Well, I have to manage my resources and I need a racket of some sort. Hmmpph...

I need money!!! I turned down two diving invites this weekend, because I dont have the funds!!! (40 bucks in my wallet til the next sweldo!, which luckily is tomorrow)

Friday Morning

I'm only blogging because there is nothing else to do, and that goes for me, Gen, and for our assistants. Our ever reliable encoders approached me a while ago and said, "Miss Nel, wala po ba kaming pwedeng gawin?".

I answered with a sly smile, then said, "linisin na lang natin tables natin". So from 8 am, I, the two encoders, and Nina (na nakisali na lang din :)), cleaned our tables. When Gen, who cleans her table every morning) walked back to her place, saw us cleaning, said, "oh anong meron?" ANyways, the 5 of us cleaned our desks, pouring alcohol and scrubbing with tissue our computers, desks, and our small desktop kalats.

After we cleaned our tables, I am now blogging. Gen and Beth (the two newlyweds) are chatting with Ate Anna about life of being, well,
newlyweds.

I'm so tempted right now to play Sudoko but I know once I started, I'll be addicted to it.

Time check: 9:26 am.

Just to recap my week (as if anybody cares).

Saturday, morning was filled with meetings. By afternoon, we had our hair fixed in David's, then dressed up in the office. Wearing heels and all, and me being such a klutz, I almost tripped down the stairs. Our such a character Director told me, "dapat nagrurubber shoes ka na lang kase!"
Then we went to Beth's wedding.
I wasn't able to go to the reception because I have to drive off to my
sister's graduation in Miriam, who by the way graduated CUm Laude, and
top 9 of her batch. I was cranky during the ceromony because I was so hungry. Dinner, we pigged out at Dampa.

Sunday, boring.

Monday, I got my passport in DFA. We'll be leaving for a vacation by May. After work, we had kwentuhan with Myke (who's in Manila for a BR). Our realization... work is really dawning upon us already. When before,
everything seems so fun, that it seems that we are just playing, but all
of a sudden, there was a shift making everyone so serious. Life, for
them, is reduced to work-sleep-work-sleep. (Can't say the same thing
about me, though. I have my books, my diving, my friday night dinner with the girls, and my telenovela to keep me sane.)

Tuesday, Ayee, Nina, and I went to Healthway in Shangri-La to avail of
our annual medical check-up. Apparently, I need profalaxis, my two
impacted wisdom teeth should be taken out, and I have 3 teeth needing
pasta. Also, I have lumps in my breasts that may be due to my nearing period, but the doctor advised me to have them checked again 10 days
after my period. But knowing me, I'll take them for granted.

We had our race to CUL once again. And again, I won! Woohoo!

Wednesday, Macky insisted in eating at Hot Rocks (we were supposed to eat at Everything at Steak). So afterwards, we just ate halo-halo at Razon's.

Thursday is the slowest day ever. I was supposed to be in Bulacan but it got cancelled, so I was stuck in the office doing whatever I pleased--
that means bugging other people. The probable higlight of the day was when I kidded Gilbert about him only playing StarCraft in the office, and he got all defensive.

Friday... well, today is Friday.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I hate it when people say what they think you want to hear.
I also hate it when people expect you to say what they want to hear.
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Those who say only what they think you want to hear are mostly people who have no self-identity. They are people-pleasers who cannot stand for their own decision. They have the tendency to sway back and forth just to say things to please you. They are conflict-avoiders. In short, they have no balls.

These people draw themselves into their own black holes. For their inabilty to stand for their own decision, they say things that might contradict to things that they have previously said. Of course, what they say depends on whom they are talking to, whom they are trying to please. At the end of it all, they lose. Well because, it's all an act. And as we say in the office, it's "FAKE!!!!" (though, in a different context!)
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Sometimes, one's snap judgment is as credible as tantamount of analysis.
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Dialogues with the Alter-Ego

When I was in high school, I learned the hard lesson that I cannot change somebody else. I can say all the things I want to say, I can appeal to his emotions making all the drama, but in the end of the day, the choice of changing is up to him. He will never change for you. During that drama, he may promise to change for the better for you and for your family, but come months and years later, he returns to his old self. Actually, "return" is not the right term because he never moved. All you can do, is accept.

At this moment, I am faced with the very same learning--a learning that began resurfacing a couple of months ago when all this shit begin happening in one aspect of my life. They say,"Once a liar, always a liar", and "once a salawahan always a salawahan" and though how I want to give the benefit of the doubt, at this very moment, I cannot.

Don't get me wrong. I am not reducing people to static beings incaple of change. I'm very well aware that people are dynamic, capable of changing, that's why we experience evolution, progress, and development. What I'm saying is that one cannot change someone else. It is always up to that person to change who he/she is. Don't ever believe if a person say "I'll change for you", neither you should believe when he says "i'll change for us" . Because that is a big pile of bull shit. One cannot change for another person. Simply because it should never be.

I started writing this entry with a flood of thought wanting to be expressed. But now, it seems I'm reduced into writing a very specific aspect about change. But I guess all that I want to say has been said already.

With that, let's end with a schizophrenic verse...

How shall I paint a face of disgust and of despair?
How can I marry the feeling of pity and anger?
How can I trust when I'm afraid to get hurt
And be apathetic when I truly care?

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Full Circle

Friday, March 17, 2006

Under the fluorescent light.

I'm too sleepy right now to do something productive. Well, what do you expect. Earlier this morning, I drank 4 tetra-pak of flavored yogurt drink in one seating during the launch of Dutch Mill. (Sabi nila drink-all-you-can daw eh :)). My sugar shot up, making me giddy and all. Now, my energy level is down.

"I'm having one of those days again."

You know when you feel so lethargic that you don't want to do anything because you feel that it does not matter if you do what you have to do or not. That's the problem with me not having a pressed schedule to follow.

I have the luxury of setting my own pace,and I am quite abusing that
luxury right now. After my oh-too-hectic days a couple of weeks ago, I am now back to my usual regimen of, well, doing whatever I please. That's the trade-off of semi-perfecting your work system. One will have the convenience of idle time. Idle time that will translate to boredom which in turn will translate into not doing any work at all.

It's like pendulum swing. One moment you're on a side where everything's chaotic, where time ticks faster than you want it to. Then the next moment, you find yourself quite empty-handed, letting time hurry by itself.

It's like pendulum swing. One moment, you know you are too important, getting commendations and wanted attention,and the next moment, you feel
sleepy and invisible.

But that's how it is. And that's how it will ever be. We just have to
sustain the moment when the pendulum is on that positive side. Yet, we
too have to let the pendulum swing. Everything should strike a balance
somehow, sometime.

Next Steps.
It's my sister's graduation and Beth's wedding tomorrow. The wedding is at 3 pm in Philam QC, and the graduation is at 4 in Katipunan, and I'm attending both. How will I manage to attend both? I don't know but I will.

Both Niña and Beth will be at a turning point of their lives. Both will be at a crosspoint where there is no turning back. As a chapter of their life comes to an end, they will be starting to write a new one, perhaps more colorful, hopefully more beautiful.

It's been two years after my graduation. I cannot exactly say that I've targeted the bull's eye of "what I want to do in my life". Perhaps, I'm within the acceptable range, but not quite at it yet. I'm part of a company with a good compensation package, with excellent work environment and friendly culture, and I'm part of the department that I want to pursue in. But though how seemingly good what I have right now, it is not my "dream job" or "dream company". Probably, this is the problem of having a too specific goal. Everything else falls second.

One of the multitude of lessons I have learned from where I work right now is that deadlines change. And though deadlines change, targets and goals remain the same. I wish to believe that this is where I am right now. My schedule has been a little delayed but I will get where I want to.

I remember clearly wanting to take up MBA 2 years after grad. Today, it has been two years after. The goal has remained the same, but the timeline has moved one year further. And this timeline will be strictly followed :). Why not this year? Because I have to prove something to myself first.

I'm quite blessed that I think I know what direction to go from now on. Each delay is a blessing in disguise because it reaffirms what I really want. Each delay is good because it provides colorful snippets to my life. It allows me to rewrite the script of my existence adding experiences that provide valuable lessons molding me into a better person.

On the wedding aspect, I wish not to comment. Hehehe.

There's something wrong with me...

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Saturday, around 4 pm. I stood up from my work chair, and said, "ayoko na...sawa na ko sa tapat ng computer", turned of my PC, packed my laptop, said good bye to the people, got in my car, withdraw from the ATM, bought Blink in National Bookstore, drove home, entered my room, turned on the aircon, (after 1 minute) turned off the aircon, left my room, went to the computer room, sat down, then blogged!

We had a variance meeting a while ago. My short attention span kicked in even before the meeting started. I was in and out the room several times. I was playing games with my antique cellphone, Raf and I were playing tic-tac-toe at one point. I attempted but failed to hide Gilbert's shoes sometime during the meeting. I was turning into my "Nel-is-a-monster-slash-dog-I'll-bite-you-if-I-could" state. Thankfully Macky also turned into his "Macky-is-a-biting-monster-who-can-turn-into-a-gay-or-a-geek-with-a-big-stick" state. In short, the two schizos with attention defecit disorder at one point (or more) did not pay attention to the meeting.

In my defense, however, I recently learned that there is such a thing as the "stickiness factor" (From The Tipping Point). In one experiment, pyschologists gathered two groups of kindergarten-aged kids. Both groups were asked to watch Sesame Street. One room was filled with toys, and the other was not. The kids inside the room with toys, well, as expected will play with the toys while the Sesame Street show was on. The other group, or the control group, has their attention solely for watching Sesame Street.

When the kids were tested about the show, surprisingly there were no significant differences on the answers of the kids from the toy-room room and from the ordinary room. For example, the kids from the toy-room will score 8 out of ten, while the kids in the room without toys will also score 8 out of ten. This just show that kids will pick-up only the "ideas" that are significant to them. The presence of "distraction" poses little effect on the content of the message they want to absorb.

So...what I'm trying to say is that, though I seemed to be "distracted" and "not listening", I picked up the ideas that appeal to me. :) Not to be mayabang or anything, I even had the chance to share a significantly good insight/observation to the team. But after I've shared my piece, I then turn into my Nel-is-a-bored-monster-I'll-bite-you-if-I-can
phase.

I know those who know me will say..."Uhmm, so Nel, what's new?"

I got my office uniforms a while ago. It's not as bad as expected. After the girls long-attempted-coup because we refuse to claim our uniform benefit, we finally received our uniforms. You know how spoiled we are? We got fabric different the rest, and each of our slacks have different cuts/designs. Talk about uniformity.

But still, we have a set of uniform which will make us look like service crew from Jollibee. Well, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that what if we ate in Jollibee and others will give us their orders?

What else?
We had a dinner party at Kix's place last night. Benta nanaman ang isaw.
Beth will have her wedding next Saturday, but I wont be able to go because its my sister's graduation, and she's graduating Cum Laude.
After a day of sweldo, I am again broke. :(

Singit Post Lang

Friday, March 10, 2006

Hello blog! I miss you!!!
Sisingit lang ako ng post kahit super dami kong ginagawa...

Where shall I start?
Hmmph...after Boracay, sobrang ngarag and all...
Our then-three-men team, was reduced to two, because Nina took over Tehnie's position, who tookover Cosette's position, who moved to Kraft.

Gen was on her wedding leave starting Wednesday (after Boracay weekend).

So I'm on my own, doing work for three.

Plus, I have a special rushed project, which we have to start from scratch. From data-analysis, to leg-work, to picture taking and cropping, to making powerpoint presentations, to making planograms... I was in-charge. Thank God we have efficient julalays to encode and file stuff for me.

Our usual log-out in the office is 10-11 pm. (That's me, Nina, and Ayee..the two are busy making BR materials).

This was the week during all the EDSA fiasco slash state of national emergency was going on.

With the threat of Martial Law was on the air, the three of us girls were concerned with the deadlines that we have to meet.

Quotes of the moment:
"Sana walang pasok, para walang suppliers na manggulo, para matapos natin yung market shares"

"Ang sad 'no. Nagkakagulo na yung Pilipinas, tapos tayo we are so cushioned within our comfort zones. Ang concern lang natin matapos yung BR materials at yung planograms."

O well, that's reality.

Saturday...Gen's Wedding.

--sobrang natural raw ng picture na 'to!... tignan nyo ko, natural na natural! nel na nel!

Sunday...asa office!

Monday-Saturday...
Work Work Work!
At least yung mga gabi, nakakadinner out na :)di na order-in!

Went to Sta. Cruz, Laguna...pero lumagpas ako, at umabot ng Pagsanjan.
On the way back, may dinaanan kme na parang old town sa Laguna, pinagshooshootingan ata yun eh. Wala lang. Dapat pupuntahan namin yung nishooshootingan ng Kampanyerang Kuba, pero sobrang layo na raw nun eh.

Basta puro work til Saturday.

Sunday.
Went Diving :)

Mind Games

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Para lang may ma-i-post!

Sabi nila parang Chess nga lang naman ang Mind Games. Okay lang kung anong moves ang gawin mo, basta ang mahalaga wag ka-magpapa-checkmate. Checkmate kung mag-fall ka. Ang unang ma-inlove talo!

Simple lang diba.
At saka, di ka papasok sa isang bagay na alam mong matatalo ka. Ano ka, tanga?
You play the game because you know you have the upper hand. And of course, you play the game kase fun.

Pero minsan in the middle of the game, the rules change, or sometimes, the situation changes. Meron 3rd player na papasok. Then you realize, in the middle of what you thought was your game, that it was never yours. Saling-pusa ka lang pala. You are standing on a chessboard of two other people.

I-deny mo man, kahit paano affected ka. Which is of course, not surprising. Naka-game mode ka eh! You thought you were part of a game, pero di pala.

Probably all these time, di pala sha nag-mi-mind games. Maybe, he was just being friendly. Maybe he thought you were just being friendly. Nag-mi-mind games ka lang pala mag-isa mo! (tama si zarah! hehehe). Ating bigyang mukha ang katangahan!

Mali pala yung interpretation mo nung chuvah texts nya, midnight telebabads, at paminsan-minsang pag-alis. Of all people, you should have known that all words and actions are relative. Depende sa tao kung pano iinterpret ang bagay-bagay. Iba yung signals na sinend nya, iba yung na-receive mo. On the other hand, iba yung sinend mo sa na-receive nya. Paano nga naman, wala kayo sa same chessboard!

Minsan you read too much between the lines that yung actual na nasabi nya, di mo na nabasa. Minsan, you just have to take things literally, kase yun lang yun eh. Wala ng hidden meaning.

Siguro buddy buddy lang naman talaga kayo. Pareho kayong interests, direksyon sa buhay and all. Pareho kayo ng mindset sa relationships. Pareho kayo ng trip. Pareho kayo na minsan mas ka-jive ang opposite sex. Kung tibo ka, bading sha! You are just the girl version of him and he is the boy version of you. (Only, you're cuter! hahah!) Kaya swak, kase pareho kayo ng wave length. Kaya mo siguro inakala na nasa same chess board kayo.

Kaya nga di ka dapat nagulat nung sinabi nya na in-love siya. In-love siya, at hindi sayo.

The chess game is over.
The chess game never began.

Nel is...

Crazy
Crazy
Crazy
Beautiful

just recently...

Weekend Sh*t
As if nothing happened
Jeez...
Zambales Surf...
My New Dick!
What's Up Surf's Up
Advance Open Water Diver
Cebu!
Bicol-Donsol (with uploaded photos)
Some Backlog