The Inner Workings of my Schizophrenic Mind

Diving and Beyond

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

*Pictures to Follow

Life is Good.
(Just don't count the cost).

I had soooo much fun last weekend!
Friday night, I had a good tae-bo workout.

Saturday Morning til Sunday Evening, I was in Anilao, diving.
After 5 dives, now I'm certified. :) (I don't know what took me so long before I pursued it. I've been planning it for months already.)

I'm still waiting for the pictures from Vince and from GJ, my instructor. I'll post them soon as I get them. Woohoo, I have underwater pics! :)

I really don't know how to describe the diving experience, because one has to experience it before one can understand what I'm talking about. Well, I saw Nemo, Dory, Scar, and all other Finding Nemo characters plus other species, corals etc. There was an underwater park, a castle, a cross, and a tombstone. I don't remember the names of the species because almost all the time, what I heard from GJ was, "what you saw down there was a blah blah blah and it's a rare species". My attention defecit disorder is again kicking in. When I was trying my compass navigation skill, I was too much in a hurry because I want to play with the kids, and their giant salbabida. So i have to repeat the task again. Tsk Tsk.

There was such a strong current during one of our dives. I was finning hard, but I wasnt moving, so someone has to push my tank against the current. Then some jelly fish got me. So my right hand and right cheek still have jelly fish stings. Then until now, my left ear still hurts (I dont know if it's psychological, but it seems it hurts). But despite all the pain and the financial cost...It's all worth it, baby!

So that's the diving part of it.

Beyond diving, it was an overwhelming experience.
We woke up, and the first view we saw was the ocean. Wow!
We slept on the 2nd floor lanai, with no solid walls, just big windows with white curtains. So when you wake, the first thing that you'll see is the ocean!

The company of people was amazing. We were from different background, different age groups. There is one in his 50s, some 40s, mostly in their 30s, and only 4 of us in our 20's. The kids of my instructor were also there. There was an NBI agent, psychologists, pre-school teachers, a bum(jade), boring employees (like me), and someone they kid as a corporate whore.

During our chill-out session on Saturday night, the NBI agent slash dive master played the guitar and sang. The lights were dimmed, the beach was our background, we were drinking Kurant (my favorite!!!), and we were talking about, well almost everything. From aliens and UFOs underwater, to dolphins in Anilao shore, to my recent break-up experience. The good thing about the crowd was that the different backgrounds give you different perspective. I re-learned that yes, I'm still in my ideological state, being in my twenties and all, and that perspective will change through experiences.

Sunday, we had 3 dives. In between dives, were kwentuhans, asarans, eating, and lots of picture taking! From the moment we woke up, we were playing with Vince's digital SLR, so we (me, Jade, and Vince) have lots of "bagong gising pictures". Then we have "model" shots with "model" poses in our wetsuits. Then I got an "astig" picture of my shoes. ( they dont get, why i insist on taking pictures of my shoes, hehe).

I just love it.

I don't know when my next dive is. (Well, I have to pay off my dues first.)
But I might be climbing, second weekend of Feb (probably with Jade, Vince, and his friends).
Third weekend of Feb, I'll be in Boracay with SAWI. (I have to save up for transpo, and a new pair of bathing suit)
Fourth weekend of Feb, it's Gen's wedding. (I have to save up for a new dress).

Then comes March. April. May.-->which I plan spending on vacations. My dad's coming home, so expect that we'll always be out of town.

I still have my regular Friday Tae-bo's. I skipped 2 monday tae-bo's already. Then I might regularly jog in Ultra every Wednesday with Ugs and Gen. (this is to "condition" myself if I will pursue my trekking/hiking deal.)

The next thing to do on my list is surfing. :)
I wanted to try this long before but I don't know anyone who wants to go with me. SO now, I have willing surfing buddy/buddies, there's no stopping now.

So...the point of this entry is to tell everyone that I'm broke, but I'm happy. :)

Oh yeah, I got my Starbucks planner. So what?

Lost

Monday, January 23, 2006

This is in reply to Mecki's blog :)
I posted it originally as a comment, but since it was 3 paragraphs long, I suppose it merits to be a blog entry by itself.

It's ironic that for someone like me who has low tolerance for pain, I'm partly sado-masochist. Maybe it's because that childish self in me still needs to understand before I come to an acceptance. I keep on asking questions. I keep on probing on details. I still have the urge of monitoring the girl's blog and friendster. And when I get to know more things, it does really hurt more. Maybe I'm doing all these to try to immune myself of the pain caused by the situation. But true enough, it does me more harm than good. My officemates have told me off about it already--that probing too much will do me no good. However, I'm still bothered with the unknown. Sometimes I just need to get to the bottom of things so I can have that "peace of mind" of knowing the why's, what's and how's of what happened. What I do not know bothers me. And what I find out initially hurts me. I just want to find the truth though I know that the process of knowing the truth and truth itself is hurtful. But again, maybe it's really better off for me to know less. Maybe I already know enough. Let's stop it at that.

About the talks of forever--maybe I was just caught up with the romanticized idea of security. Terrible as it may sound, maybe I was happy to have that safety net, and that safety net is with someone I love. Maybe I too was his safety net. But then, as how some of my friends harshly put it, I should not believe in long term promises. A guy friend even said to me that he can even propose marriage to me that instance but that wouldn't mean a thing. Words can be easily thrown out from somebody's mouth. But the actions one does, merits more credibility. If a guy cannot be faithful to me for 7 months, how then can I believe in his promise of eternity?

I wish I can move on, whatever that means. I wish I am ready to accept whatever had happened. I wish I have no more bitterness within me. I'm trying to heal but I don't know the best way how. I'm trying my best to move on but I'm still lost. It seems that for every two steps I take forward, I take one step back. Maybe I'm hurrying my healing process. Perhaps I'm again, being too impatient. Probably it's true that only time can heal.

Shifting Gears

Sunday, January 22, 2006

I kidded in my email to my SAWI friends that I'm broke and that I'm broken-hearted. This is in lieu of our plans of the weekend beach getaway when Jacey visits the Philippines 2 weeks from now. We each have a 5k budget but we all wanted to go to Boracay which obviosuly will cost more. The joke in my statement is not that I am broke but that I am broken-hearted. It's a fact that I'm broke, but me broken-hearted? I dont think so. It's true that I've been hurt, and honestly the pain has not yet totally vanished but I'm keeping my head high and I'm keeping that smile on my face. Though I'm hurt, I don't feel heartbroken. My heart even felt bigger and stronger than before.

I never knew that I have the capacity to love that much. Yes, I love my family and my friends, but of course, I loved him differently. It's the kind of love wherein one is willing to share her life with someone. Beyond companionship, she is willing to grow. Beyond happiness, she ought to become a better person.

Being hurt, betrayed, and cheated by the person you love of course initially brings about anger and hatred. I felt that he has been so unfair to me that after all the love that I've given him, after all those time I've been loving, caring, and faithful, this is what he gives to me. But eventually, that anger and hatred gradually dies down perhaps because of that geniune love. But nevertheless, the hurt caused by what he did is still there.

Sometimes, I wish I was just another stupid, immature, and selfish person and pretend nothing happened. I love him and he loves me, so "technically" we should still be together. But I know better. Doing so is stupid, immature, and selfish. It will just cease us to grow individually. It will trap us in our own mistake.

So here I am right now. Gradually healing, gradually moving on. However there are times I still hold back; still missing him, still anticipating for his message. But as one of my guy friends told me, it's good that he doesn't text because that helps me move on. That same friend even went to the extent on saying (on a different instance though) that maybe it will be a blessing in disguise if he gets the girl pregnant because that will force me to move on. I don't know.

I'm just thankful that God brought him to my life. I'm grateful that we met each other, we became together, and that we broke up with each other because all these make me more loving, more mature, and stronger. I thank him for helping me discover a better me.

Anyways, I just hope things will eventually be okay. I hope that someone out there can share with me the same mature and unselfish love that I am now more capable of giving. I know I deserve so much better and I hope I eventually get what I deserve.

Post-script.
Most of us wants a fairy tale beginning and a fairy tale ending. We await for our Prince Charming to come and sweep us off our feet. Then when he comes, we hope for the"and they lived happily ever after" part... If it comes, then good for you. If it doesn't, maybe you are in the wrong fairy tale.

My fairy tale beginning one day came. I met the prince--tall, slightly handsome, theoretically intelligent, loving, caring, sweet, God-fearing. It's almost what I dreamed for. But oh, note to self: 'prince should be faithful and mature!"...

O well...

Post Script 2:
Mecki wrote her promised blog (click here) for me-- Thanks Mex!

blah blah blaberring

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Let's see...

My body aches badly. I had tae-bo last Wednesday, Confined Diving on Thursday, and Aero yesterday. For someone who has such a lethargic lifestyle, this sudden influx of physical activity brings oh-too much pain, physically that is.

The tae-bo and aero is "semi-company" sponsored. Well it's held in the office training room but we have to pay for our instructor, which is relatively inexpensive anyways. Our manager had showers installed in our CR so we can have our tae-bo and aero class in the office. We are that spoiled. :)

I had my 1st of 5 Confined Water Dives. It's not that easy as I expected. I still have to practice my finning. I still have to learn to relax, to phase my breathing, and to equalize my ears. But what the heck, it's cool. And oh, I'll be diving next week in Anilao.

I have nothing to do in the office. That's why I'm blogging. We have lots of assistants under our team right now that I'm left with nothing to do.

Last Saturday, I did some girlie stuff. Went to Profiles to have my hair cut and my brows fixed. Then afterwards, my friends (Sawi)called me and we went to another salon, I had a foot spa, pedi- and manicure. Geez, Money-splurging to keep my minds off things. Then, we had dinner at Camille's, which lasted quite late. Of course, kwentuhan and all.

I guess it was Wednesday or Thursday, the AMS guys ate in Brooklyn Pizza in San Antonio, Makati. It was like Yellow Cab, but 150 bucks cheaper.

Yesterday we (friends from the office) had a "matured" dinner at Ayee's house. She prepared pasta, we brought pizza and chicken. They played billiards while I dozed off on the couch. When I woke up, they were playing basketball and I joined them. It's girls vs guys, and it was so much fun. Obviously it's not a real game. Puro "tili" lang yung ginawa ng girls...hehehe.

I woke up this morning with a terrible body ache and a more terrible last song syndrome. My mind was singing "ang laki ng titik O, titik O, titik O" (in mary had a little lamb tune)...damn you myke. damn you.

I want to tell him so much, but I know it's not right. What's the point, diba? He has to learn things for himself.

Major lesson learned this past season: I'm special but the world doesn't revolve around me. :)

friday the 13th came one week late

Friday, January 20, 2006

It's such a catchy title though it vaguely has anything to do with the

bulk of this entry.

A little rewind...

I was supposed to write something entitled Princess Jologs to describe that although how cowboy or jologs I am, I am one freakin princess. I may not have any girlie prissiness in my body but I am such a brat. I'm used to having things done my way and at the beat that I want to do them, and if they are not, uh-oh the bratinella attacks.

Let's take for example during traffic. As the princess that I am, I'm such an impatient impatient driver. It's my road, baby! I curse at otherdrivers who cut through me. I become this violent weird monster when traffic is bad. Before, during these situations, I immediately call the then-boyfriend to vent out. To rant to rant and to rant. He's annoyed by it. He gets calmly angry at me when I do it. I know it's a bad habit and funny thing, before I wasn't really like that. Now, I'm slowly losing that bad habit. Thinking about, I realized that I allowed myself to become that monster because someone tolerates it. Since now, I have no one to rant, since no one will tolerate my childish rage, I no longer do it. I'm being more and more patient, less and less of a princess.(See, it's a blessing in disguise).

Then I was supposed to write something about friends. How lucky I am that I have lots of friends--different type of friends. Because of the situation I have been in, I realized more the value of friendship. (See, it's a blessing in disguise). They are not just people you hang out with, they are people who geniunely love and care for you. What I noticed too is that friends have different ways of showing that love and care. There are friends who will keep you company--simply listen to you tell your story and pour your hearts out. There are those who will cry
with you. Some will treat you and make you happy. Others will attempt to fight the battle for you. And some will be the ones who'll stir up your rationality when emotions seem to overpower.

My friends are not simply people I spend time with. They are an extension of my mind, my heart, and my soul. Without them, I will be a different person.

Then I was supposed to write about my first confined water diving. How the skills and techniques learned is applicable to real life. And that though it attempts to simulate open water diving, what it simulates is life process. (Yuck Baduy!)

But I can't write all about these. Why not? Because Friday the 13th happened one week later.

First, Dick almost got killed this morning. (You know Dick...my white civic). We were going to work this morning. We were taking a left from United Street, going to Sheridan. Then this asshole driver of an FX over-took using the lane that I will turn left to. He occupied my goddamn (pretending to be Holden Caulfield, hehe) lane! We were head to head, with only a couple of inches between us. He backed a little, and when I was able to pass, I shouted at him "GAGO!". I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that Dick's left window is broken that I can't put it down.

Second, I can't find my uber-astig ballpen with laser pointer and flashlight. I'm positively sure that I left it on my desk. Whoever moron got it, arrgh to him. Now I have nothing to play with. I'm sad. I miss my ballpen. I miss the laser pointer. Now I'm depressed I can't work.

There's something unusual in this office. If you leave your money, cellphone, I-pod on top of your table, no one will touch them. But leave your ballpen, your Sky Flakes, and your Nissin Wafer, then be sure that they will be gone. Everybody has the same ballpen (because it's a gift from the AMS team). Everyone was given an allocation of one box of Sky Flakes each. But why oh why does someone has to get my ballpen and my single pack of Sky Flakes? Why oh why?

O well...I just miss my pen with laser pointer. How can I take down notes during meetings? How can I pretend that I'm a laser surgeon trying to whiten PJ's skin and trying to liposuct Ugs' fats? How can Nina and I play the catch the laser light game? What will I play with during boring presentations?

I miss my pen. :(

Release Your Inner Jologs

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Matagal-tagal na akong di nakasusulat ng salaysay sa Filipino. Kaya eto.

Pakiwari lamang na unawain nyo na ang pamagat ng aking salaysay ay walang kaugnayan sa wikang ginagamit ko sa aking inilalathala. Ang pamagat ay umuukol sa laman ng salaysay at hindi sa porma.

Una, nais kong sabihin na di lamang pala ako sadista tulad ng sabi ng nanay ko, masokista rin pala ako. Alam na ngang may sugat at masakit, sinasadya pang kutkutin hanggang lalong magdugo. Pipisil-pisilin upang maramdaman kung mahapdi pa, kahit alam naman na sariwa pa (kaya malamang mahapdi pa!). Sana ay humilom na, at sana ay hindi magiwan ng peklat. (jologs #1: sobrang baduy na metapora!)

Uyy! Pa-victim!
----

Ang pinakamasayang gimik ay iyong hindi pinaplano. Kahapon ng hapon, nag-racing at kumain nanaman kami (prends prom opis) sa CUL (Cost U less is the place to be...). Kaka-crunchy ebi maki ko lang nung Martes kaya ang kinain ko ay baked chicken wrap. Wala naman kayong pakialam sa kinain ko at wala namang kinalaman yun sa puntong nais kong ipahiwatig, kaya sige itutuloy ko na yung kwento. (Haha, labo). Kelangan magsialisan ng maaga sina Raf, Ayee, at Myke dahil sila ay may sari-sariling dates. Sumabay ako ky Myke pabalik ng opisina kase iniwanan ko si Dick the Civic doon. Nung asa Kapitolyo na kami, nag-ring ang telepono ko, si Ugs (Justin).
Ugs: Nel, asan ka?
Nel: Pabalik office
Ugs: Wag ka aalis
Nel: Bakit?
Ugs: Punta tayong Star City!!!

Woohoo!!! Star City!!!

So diba, excited ang lola.

Nasa washroom ako nung dumating yung girls (Tehnie and Nina), kaya doon kme parang mga loka-loka nagsisigawan dahil sa excitement.

Paglabas ko ng banyo, andun lahat nung managers (from all areas) plus the National Sales Director plus the VP for Marketing sa may lobby. Nakatingin sila lahat, nakangiti na tila nakakita ng mga buang.

O dibuzz! Nakakahiya.

So sabi ko na lang, "Sir Tom, we're going to Star City. Sama kayo?"
Tapos sabi ni Sir Ruffy, the VP, "why Star City? Why don't you go to Eurostar at the Fort? I've been there it's nice. Mag-Eurostar na lang kayo kaysa Star City"
O shempre VP yun, so di mo kokontrahin...

"Eh sir, gusto namin mag-horror house! Meron ba doon?"
Mr VP: Meron naman siguro.

So shempre, konting-invite-invite sa mga boss kung gusto nila sumama...

Tapos off we go!

The best yung road trip namin papunta. Puro kulitan. Pagusap ng barok tulad ng "Lucky Me Sufreme Falabok", and kunwaring fleerting (flirting) sa pagitan ni Tehnie at ni Ugs.

Pagdating sa ticket booth...Uh-oh! 400 pesosesoses ang entrance (ride all you can)! Ga-mahal sobra.
Nagsipumilit si Ugs dahil once-in-a-life-time lang daw 'to...so yun pumasok na kme.

Nakampooch, parang pi-pito lang yung rides ha!
pero ok lang. kakaiba yung rides. iba kaysa sa EK.
Kakalungkot nga lang walang horror house. Gusto pa nga naman namin mag-Bahay sa Lagim! Awooo....

Unang sinakyan namin, Booster yata yung tawag. Ngayon, naramdaman ko na kung ano ang feeling maging boggle cubes na inuuga-uga. exag, parang lindol na ewan, na parang pinaghahagis-hagis ka sa lahat ng direksyon, para kang binugbog, para kang minasa-masa.

Tapos sakay kami ng mini version ng jungle log jam...period.

Sunod naming pinilahan parang Anchor's Away. Pero to the next level. diba sa anchor's away parang isang malahiganteng swing...eto nag-360 degrees. Iiikot ka in a full circle. and Back! O dibuzz! tapos may punto pa na ititigil ka na naka 180 degrees sa ere, na yung ulo mo asa ilalim...lahat ng dugo mo pumunta na sa ulo mo. Parang binabaligtag-baligtad pa yung sikmura mo. Tapos na-didighay slash nauutot pa ako nun. Oops overshare.

Pagkatapos, sumakay kami ng "Joker", parang itong malahiganteng trompilyo. Dito, iniikot-ikot ka na, iniikot-ikot ka pa. Para kang nasa dulo ng baton ng isang marjorette. Pagkatapos sumakay, mahilo-hilo ang lola nyo. Namumutla at nasusuka, buti na lang na-dighay ko.

Tapos pinagbili namin yung P50 food stub ng hotdog at softdrinks. "eh ang bata, alam kung Tender Juicy", so di ko kinain yung hotdog kase iba lasa.

Peekchur-peekchur. Panood-nood ng tao. Napansin lang namin, na puro conyo at foreigners. Wala lang.

Tapos sakay kami ng ferris wheel. Tapos na-bore si Nina kse ine-expect nya raw mabilis umiikot. So kami, "hello Nina, steady ride lang ang ferris wheel. tipong pang starbucks". "Wala kayang ferris wheel na mabilis".

Huli namin sinakyan, bump cars. Habang nasa pila kami, pinanonood namin yung nagbubump cars. Nakita namin si Archie Alemania. So kami ni Nina, "Shet ang guwapo nya!". Tapos andun din si Mickey Ferriols. Inferness, ang sweet nila! Awww!

Bumalik kami sa opis pagkatapos. Mga alas-dose na ata yun. Andun pa yung mga Sales. So kinulit namin sila kase habang kami ay nag-EuroStar, ginagawa nila yung Executive Summary plans nila. Maya-maya, tinibag nila ako (actually si Nina at Tehnie lang pero pasimuno ng Sales). Anong tibag? Ihihiga ka nila, tapos dadaganan ng lahat (in my case, si Nina and Tehnie.

Tapos uwian na.

Saya!

It's all in the past

Friday, January 13, 2006

This Is It...I'm Single

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

If something extremely special happens in one's life, either one keeps it to herself or shares it to the world. This, I opt to share, not because I want to bring certain people down, nor I plead for sympathy, but because there are certain lessons that have to be found,collected, and understood. Perhaps in writing, I can put together the thoughts floating in my mind and the feelings waiting to be expressed. Of course, there is the risk that I may left out some of them, that I may overgeneralize (or undergeneralize for that matter), and that I may take them in such a cerebral manner. However, it is far better than keeping the feelings and thoughts afloat.

I don't know what angle will I write my entry from. Will I be the naive kawawa girlfriend whom her boyfriend cheated on? Will I be the internally angry girl victimized by the situation? Will I be the thinker trying to comprehend why the situation happened? Or will I be the strong person who emerged from the experience?

I will not delve into the details of the situation solely because blog is not the appropriate venue for it. However, what I want to point out are two significant happenings that quite alter the course of my life.
First, my boyfriend did the highest level of cheating imaginable.
Thus second, I broke up with him.

Chronologically, there is a short gap between my finding out of the first point leading to the second point. (It took less than a week or so). But that short gap would have been excessively exhausting if I weren't able to overcome it by a long stride. Yes, it was (and still) emotionally draining, physically hurting, and even mentally affecting. However, being grounded on my principles and beliefs, and having friends who love and support me, help me through it.(To my friends...I love you all! Muwah!).

I have to create the biggest irony in my life. I have to love myself and be selfless at the same time. And this I can do only by letting him go.

Letting him go is selfless because that will allow him to grow.

I'm no longer thinking of what i want, but what is good for this other person.

I can be with him, but that will be selfish of me because it will not allow him to change, to grow. Being with him will tolerate and probably worsen his being too emotionally dependent.

He has to be independent. He has to face the consequences of his actions. He has to learn that not because he's sorry and he's guilty of what he did, everything will be okay. He is an intelligent person. He knows what's right from wrong but he has to learn to choose his actions.

It's only in letting him go that he can be independent. I cannot help him become independent with me by his side. It's like you cannot teach a kid to bike on his own, while you are still holding the seat and running beside him. You have to let go, and let the kid bike on his own. I've given him much of my support and my care. Now he has to balance his own life. It's only him who can help himself with that. The only way to help him is to let him go.

I have to be selfless that's why I'm letting him go.
I love him so much that's why I'm allowing him to go.

I have to love myself and loving myself involves wanting the best for me. I will never allow people, especially the ones I love, to treat me as trash, to lie to me and to deceive me.

I have been hurt badly. And since I love myself, I will allow myself to heal.

It's finally over. Nevertheless, the hope is still there. He promised to change himself for the better. I need my time to heal.

----------
I don't know what emotional state I am in right now.
It seems that I recovered too fast, that I am already back to my normal self that it scares me. I expected more tears to drop, more wallow moments, but there were none. I can sleep 8 hours a night, I eat normally, I already make my usual jokes and hirits. Am I really that strong or am I just weird?

I know I have fully accepted the situation but I am still hurting because of it.

Not knowing the reasons why he did it still bothers and hurts me.
He says he was tempted. He says it was a guy thing. He says he was just plainly stupid that he did not think.
But obviously I don't buy his reasons. That's why I'm still hurting. I want to take my friend's advice that I shouldn't bother myself of the reason why he did it. However, I can't have that peace of mind unless I receive a believable reason. Maybe if he just tells me that he still loves the girl that's why he was able to do it, then perhaps I will accept it, then move on. But he doesn't. He keeps telling me he doesn't love her and he was only tempted.

I want to forgive him. But I can't. Not because I don't want to but because thinking of what he did hurts so badly. Like what Mecki told me "Forgiveness is a difficult thing. It's all about admitting to yourself that you're not allowing the past to hurt you anymore. so when you can't admit this, you are not yet ready to forgive him. " What he did still hurts me. I cannot say I forgive him then everytime we are together think and be hurt of what he did. What he did will always be in my mind and it still hurts right now. Maybe only time can heal the wounds.

It seems I'm not making sense anymore.
Then again, it doesn't make sense how the person who makes me feel so loved deeply is the one who hurts me so badly...

Inner Strength

Monday, January 09, 2006

For a long time, I wasn't able to read my friend ice's blog. When I changed my blog layout, I lost my old blogger friends contacts and have to copy some of my blockmate's and have to remember those quite "rememberable". My sister's, brother's, and ice's blogsites (and probably some others), I weren't able to put back on the list.

Anyhow, this morning, i just remember ice's blog address---byutipul-eyes.blogspot.com. I read it and felt guilty.

I felt guilty reading ice's blog. She had a difficult time last year, with her dad suffering from stroke, and we, her friends, were out of sight. I did texted her for support and promised to pray for her dad. I even volunteered my boyfriend to donate blood, but this didn't happened. I was too preoccupied with my own work and stuff that i wasn't really there for her. I was too self-involved.

Now, I am the one down and under these days, and my friends have been one of the source of my strengths. They were just there to listen, to say some words of advice, to rant and cry in my behalf. It's guiltying that she is here for me now but I was not there for her then.

I never told Ice that I admired her in how she handled her situation. I've always known that she is the mature one in our group. However, on what she has gone through and how she handled it, that's beyond her natural maturity. That's pure untapped inner strength in her. I know I'll break down if I was place in that situation. Probably, subconsciously I shy away from her during that time because what she was going through is one of my greatest fears. I cannot even think about it happening to us. I don't know if I have the strength in me to face that kind of challenge.

Many of friends are telling me now they admire me on how composed and mature I am in handling this latest situation I am in. Honestly, I am even surprised at myself that I am able to pass this through. Maybe its naturally human that we draw upon ourselves an inner strength we didn't even know we have in times of life-changing situations. They say that if God puts you through it, He'll help you through it. We are never given challenges that we are not strong enough to face. Maybe we belittle ourselves, maybe we force ourselves not to fully accept our capabilites. However, deep within us, is an inner strength waiting to be realized.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

I never felt so hurt and betrayed before : (

Weirdness of You

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Weird 1:
It's such a weird feeling when everyone around me is busy while I don't have anything to do.

I don't know if I'm going to be happy or shameful about it that I'm being paid more yet I have to do less.

I don't know if I should be happy or scared that I seem to have less responsibilities at work than my colleagues.

What the heck. I'll just enjoy the moment.

------
Weird 2:
It's so weird that people want what others have. Let's see, for example, Person 1 wants what Person 2 has. On the other hand, Person 2 wants what Person 1 has. And if ever Person 2 will have what Person 1 has, he will then again want to have what Person 2 (him) originally has.

People just don't get satisfied.
It's another "sala sa lamig sala sa init" situation.

------
Weird 3:
I cleaned my desk! (well, I have nothing to do...or I don't want to do what I have to do)

------
Weird 4:
I decided to be afloat. I will just let things be. I will not force things to happen.

------
Weird 5:
I'm running out of things to say...hehehe

Ciao!

Nel is...

Crazy
Crazy
Crazy
Beautiful

just recently...

Weekend Sh*t
As if nothing happened
Jeez...
Zambales Surf...
My New Dick!
What's Up Surf's Up
Advance Open Water Diver
Cebu!
Bicol-Donsol (with uploaded photos)
Some Backlog