The Inner Workings of my Schizophrenic Mind

Weird

Thursday, October 27, 2005

I get so emotionally weird nowadays (Weirder than the normal weird sense for Nel, which is in normal standards, weirder than than average definition of weird). One moment I am laughing and making jokes with my friends and loved ones, the next, I am sitting in front of my monitor with tears falling. (Of course, tears wouldn't just fall. I just keep thinking of stuff, depressing and otherwise).

So where does all this weirdness root from? Well, aside from the fact that I am naturally weird, my current career situation and my overly analyzing of it, thus, in fact heighten my emotional weirdness.

So where do we start?
Well first, let's establish the fact (or rather my hypothesis) that I am in love-hate relationship with my work and the company I work for right now. Sometimes,I love what I do, but sometimes,I find myself wanting to quit then and there. I enjoy my work. My pay is quite good, my working condition is very comfortable. I have good friends here, and it is where I found the love of my life (Yuck! Baduy!!! Erase Erase Erase). But despite all these, there are times that I despise going to work. Not because I do repetitive work, but because there are times that I don't have to do anything at all. And mind you, doing nothing is more tiring and agitating than doing a lot of something.
Maybe the love-hate relationship I have with my company is due to the people I work with. I love it here because I have friends whom I love and who help me grow to become a better person. I like it here because everybody seems so nice and sensitive. But the thing is, everyone is expected to fit in that circle of niceness and sensitivity. And if you don't, then you are a thorn among the roses. Within this circle comes close-mindedness that oftentimes make others misunderstand those who does not entirely fit in that circle.

I love it because they promise to invest in you but I hate it because sometimes they deliberately do not invest in you. What I hate more is not knowing the reasons why they opt not to invest in you. Maybe they have their valid reasons. Maybe it will be for your own good. Maybe they are teaching you a lesson that cannot be learned from whatever training and seminar. Or maybe they just don't want to invest in you because you are not worth investing enough. But whatever the reasons are, I hate it because I don't understand. Because they don't let me understand.

I love it because you get noticed. But I hate it because you get noticed because of the wrong reasons. As ultrasensitive people as they are, they immediately notice things that are not of the status quo to them. Since you are different, since your personality do not exactly fit in that culture circle that they are trying to maintain, they tweek you into becoming someone who will be fit in that circle.

There is nothing entirely wrong with that. In the totality, it helps you grow to become a better person. They notice your mistakes, the negative traits you have, and with that comes self-awareness. I just hate it because it hurts. It hurts you knowing that the way you acted might have hurt other people. You have always been like that. And your friends have accepted you for being like that. That's why sometimes you don't notice that how you acted may have been hurtful and insensitive.

It hurts you now because of the realization and acceptance that you have to change. And change is always difficult, and most of the time, hurting. The change is a bitter pill that you have to take to become better. It is not enough that you realize that you have to change, but you have to take actual steps towards that change.

I love it but at the same time hate it because it forces you to grow. It helps you become the better you. Like I mentioned in one of my previous blogs, it is essential to first become the better you, before you and others can bring out the very best in you.

I love it and I hate it because it shakes the comfort zone I am at. I learn that I cannot always be the center of everybody's attention. I learn to take the back seat, to be the support.
I'm used to getting everything I want when I want it. I'm used to being on top--the head, the leader. I'm used to being a star. Now, I am learning that this cannot always be. My experiences shed off my pride. They teach me humility.

These are some great lessons which I cannot easily learn anywhere else. I can easily develop skills and learn technical know-hows, but it requires a great deal of effort to hone better attitude and personality. It's a personal journey that I have to take. And I am grateful for the awakening induced by the company for me to take that journey.

I know that I am not going to stay here forever. Give
me a couple of years, or a couple of months even. I know there are times I would be happy, and there are times that I wouldn't be. I don't know how long will this love-hate relationship continue. But what I know is I'm very grateful for the opportunity and for the wake up call for me to grow.

(I planned in writing something cynical but ended up writing something so tacky.)

Oh my Gulay

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Yebah!!! My blogsite is updated!!! Goodbye Spongebob!!!
Tapos, nababasa ko na yung tags! I got a new tagboard (yung di pa nakablock sa office!)

Anyways, sobrang sugar rush nanaman ako..too much strawberry sundae and iced tea! Sobrang giddy ako na wala akong ma-accomplish na matino, so ngayon nag-bloblog ako...

may serious blog topic ako kanina sa mind ko, pero nakalimutan ko na.Bwahahaha...

So yun...

Crap!

Salesman

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

There's always this guilty feeling when I see vendors on the road. A guilty feeling which most probably is a mixture of pity, shame, sorrow,and all other unqualifiable emotions.

I pity them for they have to expose themselves to all the harmful
elements of the street-- the pollution, the scorching heat of the sun, the rudeness of drivers etc etc, just to make modest amount of sale,which probably is barely enough (or not even enough) to support himself and his family. They work long hours. And I am not even sure if the money they get compensates fairly for their hardship.

I am shameful to them for I, on the other hand, breeze my day in the
office, having a relatively good working environment-airconditioned,
with bottomless supply of coffee, juice and iced tea, and ample time to do personal stuff such as checking out blogsites etc etc. I receive a generous amount of compensation and benefits, which is quite enough to support my luxury in life. To think of it, it's unfair. And with that, I'm shameful.

I am sorry to them that because of that shame and pity, I consciously avoid their glare. I act as though they do not exist. I refuse to see them though they stand several feet away from me, divided only by a thin glass and metal. (It's funny to think that a thin glass and metal defines one's social standing. The thin line demarcating who is inside and who is outside is already a social measure of one's status in life.) I am sorry that I refuse to have that face to face encounter with them, because I know that when I allow them to face me, it breaks my totality. And with that comes an unwritten vow of accepting my responibility.

They do this every single day. Wake up. Walk through the streets.
Battle the harmful elements of the city. Convince motorists to buy the goods they are selling. Accept rejection. Be used to having people ignore them. Be used to being invisible. Be worried if what he earns is enough to support his family. This is everyday. This is their routine,their cycle. Sad. Pitiful.

But if we really think about it, are they really worse of than we are? Aren't we too trapped in our own cycle. A cycle very much similar to theirs with the only difference lying on the amount of money we earn and the comfort of the place we live in. We too have to convince others of our worth. We too have to accept rejections and criticisms.We too have to accept being ignored and being invisible. We too have to worry if what we are doing is enough.

Is there really a difference?
Maybe there is none?

Still a Little Girl

Sunday, October 16, 2005

La lang, I just want to share that despite my 23 years on earth, I'm still a litte girl and I still have a long way of growing up to do.

----
Things I realized lately...
1. I have the gift of affecting people. I can easily bring joy and laughter to those whom I can encounter, but at the same time, I can easily bring annoyance to them.
2. That some of my "attitude" I had when I was younger, I still carry on today. I'm glad (but, of course, affected) that it was pointed out to me by my friend and colleague. Being conscious of it, I'll be more sensitive about it.
3. I have to mind my own business.
4. It's ironic that I'm very sensitive of my own feelings, but insensitive of the feelings of others.
5. That before I (or anything else) can bring out the best in me, I first have to be the better me.
6. Less talk. Less hassle.
7. I have lots of growing up to do.

Nel is...

Crazy
Crazy
Crazy
Beautiful

just recently...

Weekend Sh*t
As if nothing happened
Jeez...
Zambales Surf...
My New Dick!
What's Up Surf's Up
Advance Open Water Diver
Cebu!
Bicol-Donsol (with uploaded photos)
Some Backlog