The Inner Workings of my Schizophrenic Mind

Young Once Young Ones

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Chapter 1: The Cry Baby
I seldom cry when I was young. I remember during retreats and recollections in grade school and high school, I am one of the few people who never cry. When I see my classmates sobbing, I can't help but think to myself, 'what on earth are they crying about'? In the back of my mind I always ask, Why is it that these retreat masters always want you to cry? Why are we always forced to think of our saddest moments? Would retreats cease to be successful in the absence of tears?

With that, I have been branded by my friends as someone who does not know how to cry. Aimee's friendster tesimonial on me overtly reminds everyone that in fourth grade, the two of us were the only ones who did not cry in our class. When everyone else were crying, the two of us were laughing. (Laughing at those who were crying.)

But things have changed now. I am now such a big cry baby, crying for the most trivial of things. I cry at movies. I cry when I see someone else is crying. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I am angry. I even cry when I argue. Yes people, I've grown to be a big sissy.

In the past few days, I've cried like four times already. Let me narrate to you my exponential learning experience this past week.

Chapter 2: Lapse in Judgement
Have you ever been in a situation wherein you thought you're doing something right but it turned out to be the exact opposite of what is right? Well, I have. It's what my boss called my 'lapse in judgement'.

I opt not to disclose to you the exact situation when my 'lapse in judgement' happened. It seems not appropriate enough to share it publicly, and I have told the story a million times to my superiors, to my peers etc, that I am sick of telling the story already. I'll just give you hints and generalizations, but no specifics on this matter. (Besides, it is quite technical that I don't think everyone will understand it). I'll rather share my learnings and my feelings.

I belong to a company where I love the people I work with and wherein I quite enjoy the task that I am doing (though lately, I'm getting kind of bored). But then,in an unexpected moment you have to make decision, you unintentionally made the wrong one. This 'lapse in judgement', trivial as it may seem, may have tremendous effects in the company and in the trade partners. There, admittedly I made a mistake. However, that's not the worse part yet. TO those who know me, you know how tactless I can be. I sometimes says things which have different meaning from what i have intended to say. Wrong choice of words plus my 'maldita' way of saying things always, as in always, bring me into trouble. The great mess I am right now is a combination of both my lapse in judgement and my tactless mouth.

One thing I've recently discovered is that the greatest mistake you'll ever make is that when you think you know everything. This will be the beginning of a long, arduous pitfall.

Chapter 3: The Sob moments
As I mentioned, I cried several times the past week. First teardrop, when I was telling Titus of my "lapse in judgement' decision. I know I will be in big trouble. It was friday. I am anticipating that by Monday, my cute little ass will be grilled.
And so it happened. By Monday, my cute little ass was grilled. Yet, I was defensively ready. Or so I thought. The manager, had me recount the event blow by blow. I was tensed, nervous. And to those who know me, you know I have selective memory. I can only remember things that I want to remember. So, I was only able to tell things that I actually remember.
Round two. With the National Director. You have to love this guy with his sincerity and honesty. He did not show his anger. He just has his way of making you internalize your mistakes. As he was speaking, I cried. I wasn't being scolded at or anything. He even said that we are not completely to blame. We only hold 25% of the mistake, the rest was that of the Key Accounts. Anyways, it was just that all the negative emotions suppressed during the weekend came out. I look stupid crying there. Nina laughed at me because I was crying. After the 'talk', Nina still laughs at me. Akala nya raw tomboy ako, pero I'm such a big sissy! The last cries were during the workshop we attended.

Chapter 4: The in-betweens:
It was one gloomy week. It seems I was losing interest in what I've been doing. Going to work was a struggle. My pessimism overtakes my conscious faculties, convincing myself that I will not be regularized at work, and further persuading myself that I don't care if I get regularized or not. My pessimism has been my defense mechanism. It becomes my way of overcoming the worse that has to come by convincing myself that the worse has come.

The whole Luzon Sales force attended a'holistic' behaviorial, developmental 3-day workshop last week. Entitled Gung-Ho, it's about mastering one's life-- developing one's potentials, realizing one's purpose in life, rekindling the national spirit, helping one manage his finances etc etc. it's about self-improvement. It's about one doing his responsibility for his family, for his workplace, for his society, and for God.

Anyways, in one module, we wrote letters to our loved ones in heart-shaped cut-outs. I cried while doing that. Then I cried during our hugging sessions. Then I again cried when some colleagues shared their learnings and realizations and I cried when I see people crying. I cry not because I feel like crying. I cry because there is hidden remorse somewhere within me, unfaced and unchanneled.

Chapter 5: The Crossroad
They say that it is in the break in your daily experiences wherein you realize where your place in the world is. Before the 'lapse in judgement' incident, I was in a safe place, a comfort zone as you may call it. I am in the company that I love. I'm doing a job that I pretty much enjoy. But then came a mistake, a humbling experience rocking the safe place that I am at. Though I immediately convinced myself that I have lost interest, as a way perhaps of saving my pride, i Know somewhere that part of me wants to stay. I was moved to a necessary crossroad that made me step back and re-evaluate where I am in my life right now. Beyond the happy facade of I having almost everything I've ever dreamed of--a happy family, great set of friends, a good-paying job, and a guy who loves me so much, I still wonder if this is the be all and end all of things. They say that all decisions have trade-offs. With my current job right now, the greatest trade-off I have was my Saturdays. Well, it may though seem to be a very small trade-off, but the implications of which is tremendous (for me anyways). With Saturdays dedicated as a normal workday for me, I have lots of things to give up like going out of towns etc etc. Beyond that, I miss going to the socio-civic activities that I was active before. You know, going to outreach programs, volunteering for gawad kalinga, etc etc (My conyo ways of helping out, as they say). Not doing these things somehow create a gap in my life.

I know you guys can hardly understand what I am saying right now. What the heck, I can hardly understand myself too.

They say that experience is the best teacher. But i guess it is not enough to say that experience itself will teach us. Rather, it is from our evaluated experiences that we will learn. It is on how we process the learnings provided by our daily experiences that we will grow as a person.

Chapter 6: Post-Script
My immediate boss and I talked yesterday. It's something about my tactless mouth always getting me into trouble. If I were not to be regularized in my work, it is because of my tactless mouth. hehehe...

Sorry for my feeble attempt to have coherence in this entry.

Nel is...

Crazy
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