The Inner Workings of my Schizophrenic Mind

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Bratinellas at Loreland

The thing i learned this week

The thing I learned this week is that eating oysters in the morning is bad for your tummy!!!

Yup! It's true.

Para sa mga conying out there…

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Isn’t it that we were taught to have a preferential option for the poor?
Isn’t it that we were required to take Philo and Theo classes that supposedly open our eyes and compel us to accept responsibilities towards our neighbors?
Isn’t it that we were asked to immerse ourselves in the outskirts of poverty?

Yes. We were asked to love the poor. And we did our share as we went to outreach programs giving donations and some of our time.

We would like to believe that we are doing our share of responsibility. We would like to believe that we are socially oriented. We would like to believe that we have a genuine care for the poor.

However, why is it that we sneer at the presumed jologs that pass our way, thinking that we are much better than them. Aren’t they members of the social circle that we should care about, that we should love and be responsible of?

Just a thought to ponder on.

Why am I here?

This question does not attempt to answer any metaphysical or philosophical issue that is commonly asked during a Philo 101 final examinations. What I am trying to answer is the question of why did I opt to work at the company I am employed at right now. I work in a pseudo-start up IT company posing to be dynamic and innovative. Pseudo because it has been in existence for nearly 4 years (relatively old considering it is in the IT business) and it still operates in a “backroom” office slash storage room. Yup, we don’t have windows.

I can give two main answers to the question posted above. First, joining what I supposed a start-up company seemed to be quite exciting at that time. The potential of it growing, and my opportunity to grow with it seem blinding. It posits a maximum benefit minimum capital requirement scenario. If the company succeeds then I am part of the growth. If it doesn’t, I can easily leave. Another compelling reason is that when the company grows, it will generate jobs for the Filipino people. And believing that this will happen, and realizing that I can be a part of this change is inspiring.

There. These were some of the idealistic reasons I had. However, after working here for several months, after seeing the illicit ways that the company operates, my spirit slowly dampens, my hope wavers. There is no way that this company will grow. And if it will, I will never be a part of it. Not only because who I am working for is money-hungry and greed-driven (in which company’s income only goes to his personal interest), but because I refuse to be part of it.

Nel's quotable quotes

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Well, I think my friends will always remember me as the one with the endless quotable quotes and countless sablay moments. My friendster page is a good testimony for that. 67% of my testimonials have my ka-sablayan as the main thesis of their write-up, and around 92% mentioned it one way or another. Obviously, I'm making up the numbers, but you get my point, don't you?

What I'm saying is that I don't mind sharing my boo-boos to the rest of the world . (Though, my blog is being read only by 3 people, myslef included). So here, I present the most memorable sablay quotes and moments by yours truly. (Copyright laws apply! hahaha).

1. The Phone Greeting
Situation: I'm expecting a call from the one in-charged with room reservations in school. Hell week and all, I was in an accounting review class in one of the study centers in katipunan. The phone rang. Anticipating the call, I ran at the back of the room to answer it.
Lady-on-the-other-line: Hello, may I please speak with Ms. Nel
Me: Hello..This is it!!!
As I look in front of the class, I see my teacher, and my 15 other classmates staring at me stunned, red and purple faced as they were supressing their laughter. It's one of the freeze moment you have when you do something stupid. Geez, what a shame.

2. Over the counter
Situation: I was ordering snacks and shakes
Lady (who is presummably the owner of the store): What can i get you.
Me: Isang co-ckies and cream shake (I was meaning to say cookies)
The owner smiled and discreetly snorted
Me: Sorry po, hell week eh...nakaka-rattle sa isip
Lady: Ok. I understand
Hehehhe...talk about lame excuses

3. The humps
Situation: Driving at C. Raymundo Avenue in Pasig City about 1 am with my Magic 7 friends. The girls shouted, "Nel, humps!!!". Then, instinctively...BEEEEEEEEEEEP. I honked the horn instead of stepping on the breaks. So there, Dick the Civic flew a few inches above the ground. Then....thumped!
(O yeah, there was a time that I honked at a leaf. It was not my fault that I thought the leaf was a cat passing across Marcos Highway)

4. Some other lines I uttered. Sometimes, deliberately trying to sound funny. Most of the time just plain stupidity.
- You look similar
- I don't sure
- I fell my phone (said in front of my crush!)

So there. I can't remember all the stupid things I've said and done. But what the hey,
it gladdens me if I see my friends laugh, though at the expense of my own stupid antics.

the attack of the sore eyes

ok. the fag that i have for a boss decided that he had to spread virus in our 40 sq m office.
His blo0d-shot and gunk-covered eyes are suspiciously eyeing us and simultaneously beaming a ray of virus and bacteria to our immune system.

Who in his right mind goes to office, meet his staff with gunk-covered eyes?
Who in his right mind meets potential clients and partners with gunk-covered eyes?

Who in his right mind scratches his gunk-covered eyes with his hands, then later eat with the same germ-infected hands.

Dictionary (part 1)

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Chuvah = n. friend, chismis; it can substitute any word (due to people's depleting vocab skills)
e.g. Uy mga chuvah, anong chuvah natin (translate: Ey friends, anong balita:?)

Shala= adj. sosyal (shala is short for sosyal-ah)
e.g. Youre so shala naman

Etswe= adj. Pwede. Carry. Crushable (Pertaining to a guy na type mo)
e.g. Etswe si "name ng guy".

PNC (Pwede na Chong)= usually ginagamit ng boys referring to girls na pwede na
e.g PNC siya

Lola= pwedeng tumutukoy sa sarili mo if youre referring to yourself in a third person point of view (gamitin lamang habang nagkwekwento ka) at kung pwede rin tawag mo sa friendly-friends mo
e.g. Ang ganda ng lola mo! (translate: I'm so beautiful)
Oy lola, tara na! (translate: ey friend, let's go)

Crayola= v. cry
e.g. Crayola ang lola mo! (translate: umiyak ako kanina)

Wherever= Chona's version of whatever
e.g. Duh! Wherever

Random thoughts, emotions and realizations

I'm in a great state of angst. Well, probably like my friend said, it's just a normal Atenean idealism, save the world, I'm worth much more than what I’m doing right now mentality. Or maybe, it's just me being my whining brat self. Whatever reason it might be, one thing's for sure, I'm confused and miserable. Reason: unexplainable.

Waking up everyday, beating the morning traffic just to make it on time, logging on to the computer and doing nothing. It seems okay for someone who is not experiencing it. When I tell it to my friends, their usual reply would be, "so, what's the problem?" It's something you have to experience yourself to actually feel the agony. It is a combination of feeling of worthlessness, of a weakening self esteem, of regret, and of the inevitable "what-if question" followed by the philosophical "what am I worth".

It took one of my friends to verbally express what I am going through. Though it seems I have an idea of what it was already, I needed somebody to validate what it really is. To her, I thank you.

My Realization
Probably all the confusion and angst roots down to the question, "Did I make the right decision?" Like my friend said, that for someone like us whose resources are many, we face more complicated choices. These choices are all valid and choosing one will alter one's life and of the others close to her forever. And none of these choices will seem to be the perfect choice.

Most of the time, we are driven to make the "safest" choice. We ought to take the path that most other people take. We are afraid to get out of this safe place that is why we try to convince ourselves that this is the best choice. We sacrifice financially and physically. We even sacrifice our own happiness and sanity just because this safe decision seemed to be the logical choice.
We choose this decision because we don’t want to lose.

But we have to ask ourselves, "Will I forever play the game for me not to lose? Or will I rather play to win?"

If I will play to win, I should have a goal for me to work towards to and I must be ready to battle the risks that my choice entails.

Whenever faced with a decision that may lead towards one's goal, ask not "what if I lose". Rather, be positive and say "What if I win?" This new mindset may give me the boost and the confidence to actually try and pursue my dream.

This brings me to another point--the importance of defining my goal and dream in life. That I must have the goal first before I worry myself what steps and choices I will make.
Set goals, lay alternatives and do some action. This is the very same process that is repeatedly thought to me in my academic years--the process used in my science reports in high school and in my case studies and audit reports in my management and economic classes in college. This is the very same idea I try to teach my org members. This very process that I used in the littlest details of my life but wasn’t able to see and apply in my greater realm of existence.

Come to think of it, probably I have been bothered all this time because I don't know what my goal in life yet. Or maybe, I have my goal but it is already overshadowed by the practicalities of everyday life. That the choices I made are simply directed for me to live by and not to reach a dream. Maybe, I fabricated my dream based on the safe choice that I already made causing me to become miserable.

Now the problem is defined, time to do some action.
Which brings to my other issue--procrastination .

O well, things are easier said than done.

Friendster is depressing

Saturday, October 16, 2004

For some reason, Friendster is depressing. Especially when you see your crush or your old love with the status "in a relationship"or when you see his photo with that girl, it makes you want to throw up. What's more annoying or heartbreaking is when you see their testimonial page full of cheesy, yucky testimonial from that other girl.
EEwww...

Haha..bitter

jeepney chronicles

Friday, October 15, 2004

Jeep ang sinasakyan ko araw araw pagkagaling ko sa opisina. (Opisina, na madalas namin tawaging impyerno. Impyernong may flourescent lights..hehehe). Sa 30 minuto na ako ay nakaupo sa jeepney, lumalanghap ng polusyon ng Pasig, nag-aabot ng bayad at ng sukli, di ko maiwasang pagmasdan ang mga ibang pasahero. Nakaka-aliw nga naman. Kung iyong iisipin, ilang buhay ang pinagsasama sa isang maliit na sasakyang lata. Bawat mukha sa jeep na ito ay may sariling istorya. Bawat buhay, may sariling nobela. Kung subukan natin isa-isahin ang kwento ng mga aking nakasama ng ilang sandali, siyam-siyam ang aabutin. Kaya't di ko na lang susubukan. Ang gagawin ko na lamang, ay ibahagi sa inyo ang ilang nakakatuwa at kakaibang obserbasyon.

Lagi na lang may tulog sa jeep. Hindi nakakapagtataka na ilan na rin siguro ang lumagpas sa dapat nila bababaan. Ako, hindi ko kayang matulog sa jeep. Nakakatakot. Mas nakatutuwa rin na magmasid.
May mga tila kumakausap sa sarili. Marahil, nagiisip rin sila tulad ko. Marahil, iniisip rin nila na tila kinakausap ko rin ang sarili ko...heheh
May mga patagong nangungulangot. At may mga lantarang nangungulangot.

Minsan may mga mababasa ka rin na nakakatawa. Tulad ng "full string to stop!" O kaya minsan, maaaliw ka na lamang sa mga kwentuhan ng ibang tao, o sa mga hirit ng ibang pasahero. Naalala ko dati sinabi ng jeepney driver, "Sa kabilang kanto na yung mga bababa. May buwayang (tumuukoy sa MMDA enforcer) na nakaabang." Nung tumigil sa sinabing kanto, sinigaw ng isang pasahero, "Manong, buwaya raw kayo!"...hehehhe..buti hindi narinig!!!

what i want to do and be (part 1)

Here is a list of what I dream to do with my life.

1. Be a corporate hotshot
2. Start my own foundation
3. Teach
4. Write and publish my own children's book
5. Be a wife and a mother

dementing existence

Thursday, October 14, 2004

i don't get it...ayaw maniwala ni alej na storage room yung office namin! e totoo naman...will i make a joke regarding something like that? of course not, chocnut! if i can post some pictures, i will..pero di ako marunong! and wala pala akong picture ng office na to. hahha..

sabi ng status ko sa YM, "this is not an office, this is hell with flourescent lighting!"

zodiac sign

I got this from a forwarded email I received. The topic--Zodiac Signs and Personality. Since I was amazed that roughly 85% of it were applicable to my own personality, and since I am the self-centered brat that I am, I opt to post some of excerpts applicable to myself. My comments are in red.

Taurus-Girl
Taurus woman is funny and a jolly person.
She is a constantly changing person.--in short, baliw
If she is upset, she will not show it and will keep it to herself for a long time, and will remember them so well. If she gets really mad at you, you will suddenly become a totally and completely stranger to her.
She is a patient person, but always need new excitement.She hates long talk meeting, long and endless conversation. -- I have a short attention span!!!!!
She can be in love with you today, and one day she could act as if she has never loved you before. --hehhe, no comment! :)
She has patient with what she wants to do and will never give up until she gets there. She will be very persistent in what she is doing till she has reasons for stopping her project, then she will quit.
You can not tell her to stay at home.
Love is in her head, but Freedom is in her soul. (I love this line!)
She has her own idea about love and afraid to show her true feeling for fear of rejection. She is not the type to talk about love, but she sure has a strange way to show it. She is not good in showing when she is in love, but if she loves you she will be honest to you than any other women.She will be honest to her love one, but at the same time seems distant. You will have a good relationship with her, if you allow her freedom.
She is a public figure but belongs to no one. She will not stay with you, if she thinks you are not sincere.
She always stand out of the crowd for something she dares to do.
She has lots of friends and sure of herself, so you will hardly see she delays any of her thoughts before her action.
If she think of something, she will go ahead and does it. Yup!
She can be cute and funny, but suddenly cool and tough.

ilang kaalaman

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Nakatutuwang isipin na ilan sa ating mahuhusay na ideya ay dumadapo sa ating isipan sa di inaasahang lugar at panahon. Kadalasan sumasanggi sa ating kamalayan ang mga kapita-pitagang kaalaman habang tayo ay nasa banyo o kaya nasa jeep patungo trabaho. Kung ating sadyang tatandaan muli ang kaninag dumapo sa isipan, nakakapagtataka at nakakapanhinayang na di na natin ito maalala.

***
Latak na kaalamang pinagmunihan
1. Madalas may lalim ang kababawan
2. Kailangan mahalin ang iyong ginagawa. Mas mainam na gawin mo ang iyong iniibig.

stumped by a two year old

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

yesterday i was baby sitting my friend's 2 year old son. he was thumb sucking. so, sabi ko sa kanya
josh, wag mo isubo kamay mo sa bibig mo..
ang reply nya sakin:
baby, ako, eh...

hmmph, nabara ako ng two-year old

princess movies

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Last night, my sister and I were watching the Prince and Me on DVD. The story: an expected cliche. Anyways, I just noticed that there is an influx of princess movies shown these past few months. And yup, I've watched most of them. There was the Princess Diaries 2, a sequel to (well, obviously) Princess Diaries 1. There was Ella Enchanted...where i spent P130 to watch and the only thing i remember from it was that there was a mall with a moving escalator, and yup, it was set in the olden times
Then again, there's the "new" Cinderella Story, starring Hillary Duff, which I did not attempt to watch...

What's my point...wala lang...

neverending shit

checklist list for today:
1. check my yahoo mail --check
2. correspond to emails in my yahoo mail--check
3. Open friendster account-- check
4. Check my atenista mail-- later
5. Check my outlook express--later
6. Wait till 12 for lunch
7. Wait till 6 for dismissal
8. Talk to my friends who are online on YM

O well..it's what i call work.
It's vicious cycle of doing nothing. My brain cells are being fried by the radiation caused by the computer...
Tomorrow, it will be the same old day

It's like shit in the toilet bowl, going round and round when you flush it...but the bad thing is, it doesnt go down..it just goes round and round...

Nel is...

Crazy
Crazy
Crazy
Beautiful

just recently...

Weekend Sh*t
As if nothing happened
Jeez...
Zambales Surf...
My New Dick!
What's Up Surf's Up
Advance Open Water Diver
Cebu!
Bicol-Donsol (with uploaded photos)
Some Backlog